http://ibettina.tumblr.com

Fine dining at Three Ravens – a reward for myself for the past stressful and music-less days. Must say, the beef tenderloin is delicious! Just the right portion for a girl like me.

It is not the first time I hear the phrase “Music is an elite art.” My first reaction was always that of aversion, even though it has been said by some of my most respected mentors.

I don’t know about you, but the word “elite” is not a commendatory word in my world. It embodies the subtle kind of social segregation, an attitude of the superior, the stance of an arrogant. After all the equality in artistic expression as well as the status of a musician’s intellectual output Beethoven had fought for with his life and music, to hear that music is the art of the elite is almost blasphemous.

In my recent stay in this silence yet magnificent snow land, I have come to arrive at the polar side of my earlier feelings about this phrase. I have come to understand that the word “elite” signifies rather a conflicting state of being for a musician, rather than that of an arrogant attitude.  To say that music is an “elite” art, it really means that whoever decides to serve it must bear the burden of being lonely.

Loneliness has been my companion ever since I moved to Canada about eleven years ago. I was a child, I did not speak the language, and did not wish to speak my mother tongue with other children just because I needed friends. So it was loneliness that became my good friend, when music was not around. As I finally came to understand what piano playing is really about (that is, not related to any technical display of competence, not for the pleasing of others, and certainly not for fame or honour; but for the love for music and the need for artistic expression), loneliness accompanies from dawn until dusk, often presses its hand on my heart, seizes my breath.

Undoubtedly, I do have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, the most wonderful companion for life, and a few dearly loved mentors who always supported and encouraged me. They, too, know that such loneliness is what comes with the “profession” (if we can even call that) we chose, because the great population is not capable of understanding and appreciating this kind of art.

There, that last sentence sounded exactly like how I thought “elite” meant before.

In all actuality, I think that it’s really not that classical musicians are anymore well-educated or artistically endowed than the rest of the population. I think that “elite” means a state of being, but anyone potentially can achieve this state – that is, to fulfill and culture oneself to become capable of appreciating and understanding this “elite art”.  It is only a sad reality that not very many people have the urge to do that.

Why do you do what you do? If what you do is understood by so few, would you still continue doing that for the rest of your life? If you lose a physical ability that is instrumental in doing what you do – like losing hearing for a musician – would you continue to do what you do?

Beethoven did. And as I was reminded by a true musician just very recently, we live in that tradition of artistic integrity. I would say that I will do the same, even though the burden of serving such elite art is that of loneliness and constant dissatisfaction.

Beethoven composed some of the most glorious music in his complete lonesome world. In this superficial world, perhaps it is rather a blessing.

There are only two weeks left until I return to “reality”, it is unthinkable how I would feel the moment I see no more mountains surrounding me.

Two days ago I went on a road trip with a good friend to Lake Louise. It had just snowed, the sun was peeking through the clouds as we arrived, it was absolutely dreamlike.

We could not help but to dive into the fluffy snow. It was complete abandonment.

—–

Same book:

“I see that Detroit is downsizing its cars but still hoping to attract upscale customers. (Small Cadillacs for rich people.) It’s part of an ongoing effort to save energy. All efforts in America today are “ongoing.” So are all programs and investigations. So, in fact, are all people and all forms of life; when we cease to be ongoing we are dead. “Ongoing” is a jargon word that is wholly unnecessary except to raise morale. We face our daily job with more zest if the boss reminds us that it’s an ongoing project; we give more willingly to institutions if they have targeted our funds for ongoing improvements.”

This is a peaceful cemetery in the town of Banff, I fell in love with it the first time I came here. It is located by the foot of Tunnel Mountain – a small mountain, on which the Banff Centre lays (this is where I am currently staying). To take a sojourn into town, I must pass by this cemetery. Therefore, after taking a few trips every week wandering into the town of Banff,  I would say that the cemetery and I are well-acquainted.

Now, just a note on the title of this entry: I chose not to think of an euphemism for “death”.  This is partly why I am writing this entry – I think with the improvement of human rights in the modern world as well as the development of technology and medicine, we are less in contact with death (at least for those of us who are able to turn on a computer and write a blog entry sitting comfortably in a roofed house, stuffed with food we just ate, hearing no over-head bombs splashing all around us). I was watching The Pirates of the Caribbean on the plane and I cannot help but to gasp at how easy it was back in the days to kill someone. Famine and disease killed so many people, no matter if you were royalty or otherwise. Also, people’s lives just seemed so much cheaper back then. You can be killed simply by the unhappiness of another. Death was not a stranger to each individual.

But I, however, have not dealt with death at all. And I do admit that I dread the very thought of any of my close family/friends dying. Some times I dream of them dying in my dreams that I cry myself awake.

When I walk pass this cemetery, however, I always find a sense of peace within me. I think being aware of the end of our journey in life – death – helps us to live much more meaningfully (at least for me). To be concerned of our fame, success, gain is really useless because no one can guarantee tomorrow we will be able to wake up again, let alone continue to have all these extraneous things take effect on us.

No matter what small or menial task is at hand,  do with great care and joy is a way of rejoicing in fact that we are able to breathe.

The weather is definitely colder than I expected. I would describe to you how beautiful it is here and how great it is to be able to breathe in the fresh air, but I don’t think words suffice. So, here are some photos until I write again (I’m super tired at night after a day or working.. maybe it has to do with the altitude, or maybe it’s the 2h time difference). However, even though it’s only the first day of the program, I am really LOVING IT. (see my lack of adjectives? my brain really isn’t work right now)

’til next time!

This was taken from three years ago. Oh my dear ethereal youth! haha.

In the quiescent darkness I blossom for you.