It is not the first time I hear the phrase “Music is an elite art.” My first reaction was always that of aversion, even though it has been said by some of my most respected mentors.

I don’t know about you, but the word “elite” is not a commendatory word in my world. It embodies the subtle kind of social segregation, an attitude of the superior, the stance of an arrogant. After all the equality in artistic expression as well as the status of a musician’s intellectual output Beethoven had fought for with his life and music, to hear that music is the art of the elite is almost blasphemous.

In my recent stay in this silence yet magnificent snow land, I have come to arrive at the polar side of my earlier feelings about this phrase. I have come to understand that the word “elite” signifies rather a conflicting state of being for a musician, rather than that of an arrogant attitude.  To say that music is an “elite” art, it really means that whoever decides to serve it must bear the burden of being lonely.

Loneliness has been my companion ever since I moved to Canada about eleven years ago. I was a child, I did not speak the language, and did not wish to speak my mother tongue with other children just because I needed friends. So it was loneliness that became my good friend, when music was not around. As I finally came to understand what piano playing is really about (that is, not related to any technical display of competence, not for the pleasing of others, and certainly not for fame or honour; but for the love for music and the need for artistic expression), loneliness accompanies from dawn until dusk, often presses its hand on my heart, seizes my breath.

Undoubtedly, I do have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, the most wonderful companion for life, and a few dearly loved mentors who always supported and encouraged me. They, too, know that such loneliness is what comes with the “profession” (if we can even call that) we chose, because the great population is not capable of understanding and appreciating this kind of art.

There, that last sentence sounded exactly like how I thought “elite” meant before.

In all actuality, I think that it’s really not that classical musicians are anymore well-educated or artistically endowed than the rest of the population. I think that “elite” means a state of being, but anyone potentially can achieve this state – that is, to fulfill and culture oneself to become capable of appreciating and understanding this “elite art”.  It is only a sad reality that not very many people have the urge to do that.

Why do you do what you do? If what you do is understood by so few, would you still continue doing that for the rest of your life? If you lose a physical ability that is instrumental in doing what you do – like losing hearing for a musician – would you continue to do what you do?

Beethoven did. And as I was reminded by a true musician just very recently, we live in that tradition of artistic integrity. I would say that I will do the same, even though the burden of serving such elite art is that of loneliness and constant dissatisfaction.

Beethoven composed some of the most glorious music in his complete lonesome world. In this superficial world, perhaps it is rather a blessing.

This is a peaceful cemetery in the town of Banff, I fell in love with it the first time I came here. It is located by the foot of Tunnel Mountain – a small mountain, on which the Banff Centre lays (this is where I am currently staying). To take a sojourn into town, I must pass by this cemetery. Therefore, after taking a few trips every week wandering into the town of Banff,  I would say that the cemetery and I are well-acquainted.

Now, just a note on the title of this entry: I chose not to think of an euphemism for “death”.  This is partly why I am writing this entry – I think with the improvement of human rights in the modern world as well as the development of technology and medicine, we are less in contact with death (at least for those of us who are able to turn on a computer and write a blog entry sitting comfortably in a roofed house, stuffed with food we just ate, hearing no over-head bombs splashing all around us). I was watching The Pirates of the Caribbean on the plane and I cannot help but to gasp at how easy it was back in the days to kill someone. Famine and disease killed so many people, no matter if you were royalty or otherwise. Also, people’s lives just seemed so much cheaper back then. You can be killed simply by the unhappiness of another. Death was not a stranger to each individual.

But I, however, have not dealt with death at all. And I do admit that I dread the very thought of any of my close family/friends dying. Some times I dream of them dying in my dreams that I cry myself awake.

When I walk pass this cemetery, however, I always find a sense of peace within me. I think being aware of the end of our journey in life – death – helps us to live much more meaningfully (at least for me). To be concerned of our fame, success, gain is really useless because no one can guarantee tomorrow we will be able to wake up again, let alone continue to have all these extraneous things take effect on us.

No matter what small or menial task is at hand,  do with great care and joy is a way of rejoicing in fact that we are able to breathe.

青春太美好，但走得似乎有些太快；我的心总是跟不上岁月的脚步，虽然自己已经快活了一个世纪的四分之一，心里上好像还停留在18岁。10年前我上小学，那时候看《还珠》憧憬的是等以后我有了爱人，一定要怎样怎样对待他爱护他；有那样能与之策马奔腾的朋友一定要珍惜和信任。而现在，确是看着《新还珠》自己在做检讨，要怎样更珍惜眼前人，呵呵。10年前的小燕子和紫薇都是姐姐们，现在她们都是妹妹辈了。

网上看到很多很恶毒的攻击《新还珠》的言论。其实我觉得不欣赏的东西没有必要公开地谩骂得如此入骨 -说实在的我一开始也不习惯这些新演员 – 但是很多事情如果我们给予机会，都能够小小欣赏一下。欣赏一件事情比批判一件事情更省力，不是么？我觉得《新还珠》拍得雍容华贵多了，也更加注重亲情和人情；其中很多关于子女的教育到是对眼下中国父母的一种很好的劝解。琼瑶阿姨不愧是催泪弹的制造者，缠缠绵绵的情谊在这冷漠的世道中却带来太多的温馨。

我希望将来我的孩子在长大的过程中也能接触到这样一部电影、一部影视剧、一本书、一首曲让她/他懂得青春的难能可贵，懂得对爱情的坚贞不渝，懂得对朋友的重情重义，懂得对亲情的温情婉婉；还有最重要的就是对自己追求的勇往直前，勇敢地活出生命的潇潇洒洒。

I came back to Toronto for two days to visit my mother, and as I was crossing the border back into the States, I was denied entry by the border patrols and their callous demeanors. They accused me of overstaying my student visa – which wasn’t true, because I had actually another month of grace period – and of course of illegally staying n the US. All in all, they had to send me back to Toronto where I have to stay until I get a visa (which might take weeks, or even months).

Aside from their axiomatic boorish attitudes (by the way, what’s up with that? blasé because of their power to humiliate and embarrass? ) and my brazen disgust of being accused of doing something illegal, I am not all that traumatized really. Yes it sucks, a lot, because some concerts I was planning on doing with friends in New York I can no longer do, some important personal projects are put aside, plans to hang out with friends are now abandoned, can’t take care of my plants personally anymore.. I don’t have my own laptop with me, no ipod, none of the books I wanted to read and none of the scores I am currently learning – I didn’t even bring clean clothes to change into for that matter! It is not an overstatement to say that I should feel like a fish out of the water. But I feel more like my life at this point (which is centered in New York) has been put on a very abrupt halt – like a train trying to break after seeing a person lying, tied to the tracks; so abrupt it could potentially come into a disastrous crash.

On the brighter side, yes I did bring a pair of flip-flops and a pair of heels (yes heels! I’m glad I brought them even for a two-day trip) and have pretty much all of my essentials with me (kindle is a plus! though it’s running out of battery soon and I do NOT have the charger with me…) In my predicament, though, I am learning a cardinal lesson, a great lesson for life.

Sometimes you think you need everything you have to live. Well, this is a time for me to realize just how little I need to be happy. Today I spent a wonderful afternoon with my friends whom I haven’t seen for so long (which I wouldn’t get a chance to do because I hardly stay for very long in Toronto), chatting up and enjoying each other’s company, while sharing some of the good but especially bad experiences from the past year. Then when we look back, it is always that life has made us stronger, and happier, and the predicaments somehow worked in our favour to sculpt our personality.

We always want more things, better things; that is why we can never take a vacation off. We work so hard, and don’t have time for things like appreciating just the moment we are alive. I know all these things are such a passe, but really, when your life in on an abrupt halt, you can either be upset and stay so, or look at it appreciatively.

Sometimes I would spend the three months of summer elsewhere – Banff, Tibet, Lijiang, and that’s when I seem to be able to say to myself, when you return to your “other life” you should always remember this stress-free time because that’s where your life is. Not wanting more, not needing more, but simply be. I think perhaps we should all switch the default mode of living from the “working day-to-day me” to the “vacation me” in our bifurcated lives.

I am stressed, of course, about my current situation. But I hope I’ll always remember where my real life truly lies.

by 黃婉珊

是學音樂的人，人生裡滿滿的，都是音樂，不見得學得頂尖，但大概是理解『音樂』的人。

不得不說，學音樂的人家裡不見得有錢，也不是貴族，更不是什麼賺錢的好頭路，更不是高薪族，必須要從小開始投資，花時間和金錢拼命練習，犧牲娛樂，一天不練就是退步，每天練也不見得進步。

當老師幾乎不可能是固定工作，是永遠的臨時工，教學再認真只要學生不練就是不會教，看家長臉色，投資報酬率低，被視為高級娛樂因此不被重視，有專業沒專業憑一張嘴，多數人不理解，努力與否不重要，上台那一刻決定半年到一年的努力成果。

生病受傷就發揮不出實力，有氣質被視為理所當然，沒氣質是沒有認真學，被認為拿不起比樂器重的東西，嬌生慣養不知人間疾苦，多數人不知道在琴房內練到快發瘋的心酸。

也不知道學音樂的人要花多少時間去將聽起來簡單的東西複雜化深入化，不知道學音樂需要邏輯，需要分析，以為學音樂的人腦袋空洞只有浪漫幻想，不知道學音樂的人常要碰到不同語言，沒辦法學習只好苦心背誦，不知道學音樂需要了解歷史、藝術家背景，甚至要揣摩西方人的思考邏輯。

不知道學音樂的人通常都會有脊椎側彎、長時間練習造成的肩頸痠痛、視力問題，甚至因為壓力有胃病，如果只是要美美的，不了解之中疼痛辛苦的請不要學音樂，多數學音樂的人都需要很堅強、很認命、細心，對每一個音符要求甚高、對自己要求完美的心情。

所以請不要再用那種老舊的想法看音樂，那些舊式眼光對學音樂的人像是一種歧視，你們並不知道除了七個音以外的世界是多麼複雜，並不了解樂理、和聲，不知道有多少音樂家和曲子要背誦記得，有多少語言要有所涉略，請將這門藝術視為十分辛苦並和其他科學等相同的一門研究，就算不懂，也請將學音樂的人視為辛苦並且努力的人。

不要再替學音樂的人冠上什麼『特殊』的光環了。

这又是一年。越长大，越发现思考方式演变得极其迂回，没有以前的那么畅快了。所以写起来很不爽。

年过四天了，还没有打算写新年计划。

新年钟声敲响的时候我站在曼哈顿的高处望着时代广场那一片喧嚣，人们呼喊着新年快乐，充满了喜悦。突然就觉得特别讽刺：这些欢呼的人里不知有多少今年会离开这个世界。

这人大了吧，除了不会直线思考之外，就是会在高兴的时候寻找负面的东西来平衡自己。

总之，这一年对我来说不会容易。祝福总归是需要，那么祝大家新年快乐。最重要的还是在这一年里能继续够努力地成为自己想成为的那个人，找到能够充实自己生命的事物。

（最近在读E.T.A Hoffmann的小说集，强烈推荐 – 尤其是喜爱德国浪漫派音乐的人们。当年舒曼就特别中意Hoffmann)

That is, putting aside Natalie Portman’s acting – she’s simply an outstanding actress.

The story is not so new, and I really don’t buy some of the stereotypical impositions on artists. In order to become that “black swan”, in order to give in to your dark side, to be seductive, one needs to do drugs, be promiscuous, be rude and ill-mannered, etc. I really don’t buy that.

I believe the alleged “darkness” is in the disposition of an artist – in other words, it is by and large inborn, it cannot be acquired by simply trying to experience some things like drugs and sex – in fact, the belief that it could is utterly despicable in my eyes. That is precisely what happened to the main character Nina. Her disposition is that of an uptight, perfection-ridden girl; even after she tries all these things (drugs, sex, etc) she ends up hurting herself because she does not have that capacity to embrace these seemingly “darker” qualities of the black swan she needed to portray. Trying would only result in the ironic perfection – death (although I would like to believe in reality she didn’t die).

Certainly, (and also ironically) the positive qualities don’t make a complete artist. I often take Beethoven as an example – his rudeness, uncontrolled rage and passion, seemingly ego-centric view of art and artist do not portray a kind, sweet, loving person. But in his music, we find the most noble qualities one can find in the human kind. That is the coolest thing, for me at least, a perfect and healthy blend of black swan and the white swan.

In the end, I believe true beauty and true perfection does not lead to darkness and pain, and that is perhaps what I call a perfect balance of a healthy artist.

最近一次听郎朗，应该是他的贝多芬协奏曲的录音。我觉得他录的贝多芬我不是太能够接受。和我想象的贝多芬有些背道而驰；听到的都是郎朗，而贝多芬的声音似乎被淡化了，埋没了。那种为命运而呐喊的声音变成了一种华丽的炫耀，个人的抒情。

但是我记得第一次听到他弹的Abbegg Variations和Wanderer Fantasie的时候。Abbegg Variations的前几个音一下子就把我紧紧地抓住了，那真是一种魔力。Wanderer里面，尤其是慢板的地方，那种魔力又一次出现。当然还有听他现场音乐会，演奏到匈牙利狂想曲的时候（其实我真的一点也不是匈牙利狂想曲的拥护者）那种从他演奏里感受到的，似乎被灌注到身体里每一条血管里的那种激动，是从未有过的。

是的，他眼珠子有的时候是瞪得太大了，腿踢得太高了，手舞足蹈太滑稽太多余了，手弹琴的时候没有架子，不尊重原作者等等等等。可是，有一点，他弹琴的时候你根本不可能离开他的音乐思路，挥挥手，走向另外一个方向。不提对作品的研究，单说他对音色的把握是很少有人能够达到的。尤其是在意想不到的颜色悄然展现的时候，那种感觉完全就是魔力。只能如此形容。

叔本华(A.Schopenhauer)认为音乐是艺术的最高体态，高于绘画，文学，雕塑；因为它是抽象的艺术，是人类情感最直接的表达，不像绘画等借助客观形态来表达主观意识。这也解释了为什么在听完Radu Lupu的贝多芬第三钢琴协奏曲第二乐章的仅仅第二个音以后，我的泪水就无法控制地流下来。

不管有人会多么讨厌郎朗，但是我不得不承认，他对音乐的热爱以及他的看似无限的激情和极其丰富的想象力真的很是让我敬佩。

另外一点，就是他对中国甚至亚洲文化做出的贡献。

我从来没有见过有音乐学院会把最大的音乐厅拿出来做大师班，尤其是钢琴大师班。在美国和加拿大（欧洲我没去过），声乐是件非常受人欢迎的艺术 – 这和西方音乐史有着很直接的联系。上流社会总是对歌唱家或与声乐有关的活动报有极大的热情；对钢琴相比之下就少一些（或很多；这跟地域也有关系）。那么，郎朗来了，最大的音乐厅里坐满了人；有些看似是纽约上流社会的一些男士女士，华人西人，学生里有钢琴专业的和非钢琴专业的。在30年前，就算是10年前，我们可以想象一个中国音乐家能够在美国，在纽约，如此受欢迎么？在郎朗成名的同时，他让世界多看看中国，他把中国作曲家的作品介绍给世界。

如果你是一个听古典音乐仅仅为了寻求理性，知性的满足的人，当然你会对郎朗产生反感。但是音乐的目的是什么？我认为最终还是去感动别人，不论你做的摇滚，金属，流行还是古典。那么如果你想被感动，不妨偶尔听听郎朗。他玩的不仅仅是音乐，而是魔术，是激情。

事实是，我特别不能够为了搞好人际关系而搞好人际关系。

在我眼里，为了争取以后的一点实际好处而让自己内心受委屈是件特别叛徒的事情。

昨天去唐人街买了条黄花鱼。睿说，唐人街又让我感到好像身在中国。我说，中国才不这样呢。

虽然生长在国外十年了，但是好像每次在回国以后才能找到一个很平衡的处世方法。每次更加接近自己的文化，就越对自己充满自信，越发知道自己在这个世界的位置。那么我想，身怀identity crisis的朋友们会是多么不幸。而似乎很少取决我们的主观意识，identity crisis最多还是依赖于外界环境。但是我想说，无论外界环境是如何的，我们这些成长在国外或者出生在国外的孩子永远不能放弃对自己本民族文化的了解和追求。几天前与家人去潭柘寺看到里面的高耸云霄的千年柏树，表哥告诉我它插在地下的根要比树本身要长很多。人生就是这么一个道理，向下扎根，向上结果。而如我我们的根没了，我们会是什么呢？

当然有中国人出生在国外，长大以后他会感到他的里面应当是白人，而为什么他的外壳是中国人。这就像有的男人生下来就怨恨自己是个长为男人的女人一样。我很同情这些人。

另外一件深有感触的就是：有家人的感觉真好。在北京与媛的一段对话里她说，很多外国人说中国人没有信仰，但是我说中国人有信仰，这信仰就是亲人。虽然也许“信仰”包含了一些偏激，但是我很同意她的话。而在这次回国以后真正地感觉到，虽然我一直自己独立地生活，而且在中国人的亲情上总是抱以讽刺的态度，但是在人的众多不完美里，中国人会为亲人真挚地付出一切一切，虽然有时候这种做法让人透不过气。而就是在这种亲情里，我找到了我自己，我的根；找到了我的来处，我更加坚定我的去处。

这次同Eric一个美国人一起回去，看待中国一半是用外国人的眼光，一般又是一个中国人的眼光。在看到美好的事物时，我感到自豪；而在看到问题的存在时，我有时会觉得无法忍受。但是同时我会去用理解的眼光去看这些问题，然后解释给Eric。这些美好的和丑陋的我都深深地爱着，因为我知道我身体里就流着那一脉相成的热血，因为你多姿的美丽打动着我，我为你心痛也为你自豪。

你是我的亲人，我的母亲，我的祖国。