philosophie.

loneliness

It is not the first time I hear the phrase “Music is an elite art.” My first reaction was always that of aversion, even though it has been said by some of my most respected mentors.

I don’t know about you, but the word “elite” is not a commendatory word in my world. It embodies the subtle kind of social segregation, an attitude of the superior, the stance of an arrogant. After all the equality in artistic expression as well as the status of a musician’s intellectual output Beethoven had fought for with his life and music, to hear that music is the art of the elite is almost blasphemous.

In my recent stay in this silence yet magnificent snow land, I have come to arrive at the polar side of my earlier feelings about this phrase. I have come to understand that the word “elite” signifies rather a conflicting state of being for a musician, rather than that of an arrogant attitude.  To say that music is an “elite” art, it really means that whoever decides to serve it must bear the burden of being lonely.

Loneliness has been my companion ever since I moved to Canada about eleven years ago. I was a child, I did not speak the language, and did not wish to speak my mother tongue with other children just because I needed friends. So it was loneliness that became my good friend, when music was not around. As I finally came to understand what piano playing is really about (that is, not related to any technical display of competence, not for the pleasing of others, and certainly not for fame or honour; but for the love for music and the need for artistic expression), loneliness accompanies from dawn until dusk, often presses its hand on my heart, seizes my breath.

Undoubtedly, I do have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, the most wonderful companion for life, and a few dearly loved mentors who always supported and encouraged me. They, too, know that such loneliness is what comes with the “profession” (if we can even call that) we chose, because the great population is not capable of understanding and appreciating this kind of art.

There, that last sentence sounded exactly like how I thought “elite” meant before.

In all actuality, I think that it’s really not that classical musicians are anymore well-educated or artistically endowed than the rest of the population. I think that “elite” means a state of being, but anyone potentially can achieve this state – that is, to fulfill and culture oneself to become capable of appreciating and understanding this “elite art”.  It is only a sad reality that not very many people have the urge to do that.

Why do you do what you do? If what you do is understood by so few, would you still continue doing that for the rest of your life? If you lose a physical ability that is instrumental in doing what you do – like losing hearing for a musician – would you continue to do what you do?

Beethoven did. And as I was reminded by a true musician just very recently, we live in that tradition of artistic integrity. I would say that I will do the same, even though the burden of serving such elite art is that of loneliness and constant dissatisfaction.

Beethoven composed some of the most glorious music in his complete lonesome world. In this superficial world, perhaps it is rather a blessing.

 

Death

This is a peaceful cemetery in the town of Banff, I fell in love with it the first time I came here. It is located by the foot of Tunnel Mountain – a small mountain, on which the Banff Centre lays (this is where I am currently staying). To take a sojourn into town, I must pass by this cemetery. Therefore, after taking a few trips every week wandering into the town of Banff,  I would say that the cemetery and I are well-acquainted.

Now, just a note on the title of this entry: I chose not to think of an euphemism for “death”.  This is partly why I am writing this entry – I think with the improvement of human rights in the modern world as well as the development of technology and medicine, we are less in contact with death (at least for those of us who are able to turn on a computer and write a blog entry sitting comfortably in a roofed house, stuffed with food we just ate, hearing no over-head bombs splashing all around us). I was watching The Pirates of the Caribbean on the plane and I cannot help but to gasp at how easy it was back in the days to kill someone. Famine and disease killed so many people, no matter if you were royalty or otherwise. Also, people’s lives just seemed so much cheaper back then. You can be killed simply by the unhappiness of another. Death was not a stranger to each individual.

But I, however, have not dealt with death at all. And I do admit that I dread the very thought of any of my close family/friends dying. Some times I dream of them dying in my dreams that I cry myself awake.

When I walk pass this cemetery, however, I always find a sense of peace within me. I think being aware of the end of our journey in life – death – helps us to live much more meaningfully (at least for me). To be concerned of our fame, success, gain is really useless because no one can guarantee tomorrow we will be able to wake up again, let alone continue to have all these extraneous things take effect on us.

No matter what small or menial task is at hand,  do with great care and joy is a way of rejoicing in fact that we are able to breathe.

 

 

《新还珠》又是一章的完结

今天总算是把关注已久的《新还珠》看完了。我估计在中国也许所谓的“潮人”是根本不屑去关注这档戏的，而且估计会觉得像我这样看最后几集看得泪流满面的肯定特别傻。但其实因为离开祖国这么久，况且10年前当我还是个懵懂的小女孩，当年《还珠》给我带来的不仅是个对爱情和青春的向往，现在回首看去，也是自己对那旧去年华和祖国的想念。

青春太美好，但走得似乎有些太快；我的心总是跟不上岁月的脚步，虽然自己已经快活了一个世纪的四分之一，心里上好像还停留在18岁。10年前我上小学，那时候看《还珠》憧憬的是等以后我有了爱人，一定要怎样怎样对待他爱护他；有那样能与之策马奔腾的朋友一定要珍惜和信任。而现在，确是看着《新还珠》自己在做检讨，要怎样更珍惜眼前人，呵呵。10年前的小燕子和紫薇都是姐姐们，现在她们都是妹妹辈了。

网上看到很多很恶毒的攻击《新还珠》的言论。其实我觉得不欣赏的东西没有必要公开地谩骂得如此入骨 -说实在的我一开始也不习惯这些新演员 – 但是很多事情如果我们给予机会，都能够小小欣赏一下。欣赏一件事情比批判一件事情更省力，不是么？我觉得《新还珠》拍得雍容华贵多了，也更加注重亲情和人情；其中很多关于子女的教育到是对眼下中国父母的一种很好的劝解。琼瑶阿姨不愧是催泪弹的制造者，缠缠绵绵的情谊在这冷漠的世道中却带来太多的温馨。

我希望将来我的孩子在长大的过程中也能接触到这样一部电影、一部影视剧、一本书、一首曲让她/他懂得青春的难能可贵，懂得对爱情的坚贞不渝，懂得对朋友的重情重义，懂得对亲情的温情婉婉；还有最重要的就是对自己追求的勇往直前，勇敢地活出生命的潇潇洒洒。

My dear readers and friends, life is really quite unexpected!

I came back to Toronto for two days to visit my mother, and as I was crossing the border back into the States, I was denied entry by the border patrols and their callous demeanors. They accused me of overstaying my student visa – which wasn’t true, because I had actually another month of grace period – and of course of illegally staying n the US. All in all, they had to send me back to Toronto where I have to stay until I get a visa (which might take weeks, or even months).

Aside from their axiomatic boorish attitudes (by the way, what’s up with that? blasé because of their power to humiliate and embarrass? ) and my brazen disgust of being accused of doing something illegal, I am not all that traumatized really. Yes it sucks, a lot, because some concerts I was planning on doing with friends in New York I can no longer do, some important personal projects are put aside, plans to hang out with friends are now abandoned, can’t take care of my plants personally anymore.. I don’t have my own laptop with me, no ipod, none of the books I wanted to read and none of the scores I am currently learning – I didn’t even bring clean clothes to change into for that matter! It is not an overstatement to say that I should feel like a fish out of the water. But I feel more like my life at this point (which is centered in New York) has been put on a very abrupt halt – like a train trying to break after seeing a person lying, tied to the tracks; so abrupt it could potentially come into a disastrous crash.

On the brighter side, yes I did bring a pair of flip-flops and a pair of heels (yes heels! I’m glad I brought them even for a two-day trip) and have pretty much all of my essentials with me (kindle is a plus! though it’s running out of battery soon and I do NOT have the charger with me…) In my predicament, though, I am learning a cardinal lesson, a great lesson for life.

Sometimes you think you need everything you have to live. Well, this is a time for me to realize just how little I need to be happy. Today I spent a wonderful afternoon with my friends whom I haven’t seen for so long (which I wouldn’t get a chance to do because I hardly stay for very long in Toronto), chatting up and enjoying each other’s company, while sharing some of the good but especially bad experiences from the past year. Then when we look back, it is always that life has made us stronger, and happier, and the predicaments somehow worked in our favour to sculpt our personality.

We always want more things, better things; that is why we can never take a vacation off. We work so hard, and don’t have time for things like appreciating just the moment we are alive. I know all these things are such a passe, but really, when your life in on an abrupt halt, you can either be upset and stay so, or look at it appreciatively.

Sometimes I would spend the three months of summer elsewhere – Banff, Tibet, Lijiang, and that’s when I seem to be able to say to myself, when you return to your “other life” you should always remember this stress-free time because that’s where your life is. Not wanting more, not needing more, but simply be. I think perhaps we should all switch the default mode of living from the “working day-to-day me” to the “vacation me” in our bifurcated lives.

I am stressed, of course, about my current situation. But I hope I’ll always remember where my real life truly lies.

分享文章：《学音乐这件事》

今天在facebook上看到朋友分享的一篇文章，借来转发到这里。其实我们跟谁都一样，跟谁都不一样。

by 黃婉珊

是學音樂的人，人生裡滿滿的，都是音樂，不見得學得頂尖，但大概是理解『音樂』的人。

不得不說，學音樂的人家裡不見得有錢，也不是貴族，更不是什麼賺錢的好頭路，更不是高薪族，必須要從小開始投資，花時間和金錢拼命練習，犧牲娛樂，一天不練就是退步，每天練也不見得進步。

當老師幾乎不可能是固定工作，是永遠的臨時工，教學再認真只要學生不練就是不會教，看家長臉色，投資報酬率低，被視為高級娛樂因此不被重視，有專業沒專業憑一張嘴，多數人不理解，努力與否不重要，上台那一刻決定半年到一年的努力成果。

生病受傷就發揮不出實力，有氣質被視為理所當然，沒氣質是沒有認真學，被認為拿不起比樂器重的東西，嬌生慣養不知人間疾苦，多數人不知道在琴房內練到快發瘋的心酸。

也不知道學音樂的人要花多少時間去將聽起來簡單的東西複雜化深入化，不知道學音樂需要邏輯，需要分析，以為學音樂的人腦袋空洞只有浪漫幻想，不知道學音樂的人常要碰到不同語言，沒辦法學習只好苦心背誦，不知道學音樂需要了解歷史、藝術家背景，甚至要揣摩西方人的思考邏輯。

不知道學音樂的人通常都會有脊椎側彎、長時間練習造成的肩頸痠痛、視力問題，甚至因為壓力有胃病，如果只是要美美的，不了解之中疼痛辛苦的請不要學音樂，多數學音樂的人都需要很堅強、很認命、細心，對每一個音符要求甚高、對自己要求完美的心情。

所以請不要再用那種老舊的想法看音樂，那些舊式眼光對學音樂的人像是一種歧視，你們並不知道除了七個音以外的世界是多麼複雜，並不了解樂理、和聲，不知道有多少音樂家和曲子要背誦記得，有多少語言要有所涉略，請將這門藝術視為十分辛苦並和其他科學等相同的一門研究，就算不懂，也請將學音樂的人視為辛苦並且努力的人。

不要再替學音樂的人冠上什麼『特殊』的光環了。