an abyss

My orchid quietly blossomed again at night. I had been given it as a gift for my Baptism from my three lovely friends, but after the flowers withered,  my mother thought that would be the end of it. But then, she realized that the leaves were still very green and growing strong, so she kept watering it even though we could not see anything growing. But this spring, it has blossomed again. How beautiful is the strength of life!

Oliver has died. Christophe has done something that he has always detested – but he could not help it. And I had a dream last night going into many book stores in China hoping to find English-translation of Jean-Christophe but to no avail.

Perhaps there are some things in life that nobody can help us with; anyone else’s stance doesn’t mean anything or do anything to our own. We cannot find the direction, because everywhere seems to be true, to be “good”. We cannot find people to support us, and not even one person to simply listen to us without judging or suggesting.  When it comes to some things, everybody has a stance, everybody has an opinion. No one is in this with you, not even God.

Then, that’s when you feel so alone.

Is it a battle? To uphold your own believe and thoughts and be completely alone, or eventually give in to others’ opinions and – though the situation resulted from their opinions may not be so dreadful at all, but this part inside you is defeated, obsolete and the shiny mirror you have inside your heart will start to be covered with dust and you will never want to wipe it shine again.

Or, am I just being unreasonably tragedy-ridden?